To Ghost or Not to Ghost
You may ask why, I honestly don’t know. Just one mundane day, as I repeatedly listened to my top favorite songs, I found myself crying in the middle of an upbeat tune. It’s supposed to uplift my spirit but I ended up wiping the unceasing flow of tears on my cheeks. I stared blankly at the walls hoping it could slap me hard and wake me up from this madness. Obviously it can’t so I have to deal with this alone. My dog was asleep next room, I could ask her to pray for me and let God know I hit the rock bottom once again. What’s funny is, nobody hurt me, I wasn’t fired, I’m not into financial meltdown nor heartbroken. Everything seemed fine and I’m in a better state than I was before. I’m baffled why there’s so much void. I’m a fan of the universe, a celebrator of life , a lover of humanity, wisdom and fate. Yet the growing emptiness overshadowed it. I looked at things and found no meaning at them. Life’s spark was gone, everything doesn’t make any sense. I was determined to shut down any contacts and walk away. Even thought of resigning at work, pack my bags and go to a place no one knows me. Leave everything behind and start anew. Listening to Augustana’s ‘Boston’ pretty much sums up my emotions, oh gosh the song made me more depressed. But to set the record straight, I’m not suicidal.
For days of momentary seclusion, I did nothing but think. A tiring habit that brought me nightmares. I saw four dogs in my dream, three of them are dead and splattered with blood. I slowly raised the baseball bat and hit the last canine with multiple hard blows until its final breath. I woke up with guilt and disgust, for crying out loud I’m a dog murderer?! They say dreams should not be taken literally. So I searched for its interpretation online and found this: “The meaning of a dead animal in your dream could mean having worried thoughts, being disconnected with the world, being in control of your life or losing a more innocent part of yourself. It is a representative of something that has become ruined in your life: a job, a relationship, an idealistic goal. An animal’s life is meaningful and so dreaming of a dead one could mean the end of something important to you or being separated from reality. While the killing of an animal in your dream represents that you have acquired the skills needed to control something but you are not ready to make the move just yet to do so.”
How could a dog crime incident evoke such profound message about my life? Could it be God talking to me or my subconscious mind playing tricks on me? I dismissed the idea and wrote the words down that struck me:
Contemplating. Contemplating. Contemplating.
Then seemingly out of nowhere, like an epiphany it dawned on me;
“I need to control my thoughts, create more meaningful relationships
and separate my idealistic tendency from reality.”
*Meaningful relationships. Passive amusement with some random people is not my thing anymore. I now long for deeper, significant and purposeful connection with my family, friends, the Supreme Being and even to myself.
*Idealism and Reality. I can conquer the world, I once said to myself when I graduated from college. I really thought I had it all figured out. My idealism was eaten up whole by this messy, cruel realistic world. I got stuck in a career without growth, now it’s quite difficult to leave my comfort zone.
You see, I’m not at all stupid, I have the knowledge, partly wisdom and some skills needed to move forward. Then, why am I not ready? I admit, I’m inclined to dilly-dally. I love the pressure of doing things at the last minute, yes, procrastination at its finest. Then I complain whenever I stumble at the same pitfall, over and over again. Pema Chodron was right, “nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we needed to know.” I guess I haven’t learned or fully grasped the gist of this thing called life. And it has become a tiresome vicious cycle, dealing with emotional distress, to be a part of this rat race and endless labyrinth. So I thought of walking away, wishing I’d be okay. Maybe it’s a cowardly act, a form of escape from my incompetence, my painful admission to failure and dissatisfaction. I’m seeking mental clarity and peace of mind, wondering if a new place can promise a fresh start. It can probably offer a clean slate, a chance to create the identity I envisioned to have.
I talked to God, prayed intently, looking for a sign if I should go or not. He wouldn’t respond, is His silence a yes? I buried the question in my deep slumber, maybe in Neverland I’ll find the answer. It was a dreamless sleep though. I was awakened by a thousand sniffs and licks from my dog, like she always does at 4AM so we could go outside for a morning walk. We strolled at the almost deserted street and admired the silence that the dawn brings. We stayed at the sidewalk gutter, counting the cars that pass by and planning how I would dread the day. It’s not fun to kick off the daybreak with anxiety, my furry friend reminded me. She’s full of smile, wagging its tail from left to right, an indication of excitement and happiness in simple things. We went home and a morning coffee greeted me. Mom prepared it, with my discerning eyes I looked at her, and all I see is love. I opened my laptop then logged on to Facebook, I see people, more than a thousand of them, some I know, some I don’t. Mostly acquaintances, casual friends and a few kindred spirits. The real ones are for keeps and they’re rare.. I can honestly say, God has blessed me with good to great friendships. Oh how sweet life is despite all its oddities and uncertainties.
A pang of guilt stabbed my heart, my thoughts to run off with selfish purpose is a betrayal of God’s trust, an injustice to the people who cared and loved me. So then I stayed, came back from the dead and chose to be a ghost no more.
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